Affairs and Personality Disorders – 9 Signs the Affairs Are Only the Tip of the Iceberg

If your partner has had an affair, or worse yet, a series of affairs, you are probably shocked, devastated, humiliated, and perhaps confused. Perhaps you feel as if you don’t know your partner the way you thought you did. Even if you had an inkling that something wasn’t right, or had suspicions, it is still shocking and painful to have the facts laid bare before you. Yet there may be more to the story than the affairs themselves. What drives someone to behave that way, particularly in the case of the more compulsive types of sexual behavior like serial adultery, when in a marriage? 

Sometimes, this kind of behavior is a sign of a bigger issue. There is a certain segment of the population that is afflicted with personality disorders, like narcissism and sociopathy/psychopathy. In a case where someone has one of these personality disorders, there is a set of characteristics and behaviors that are common to such individuals, and this can include compulsive or impulsive behaviors such as affairs. While only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose a personality disorder, it is helpful to have an understanding of some of the major signs. Here are 9 signs of personality disorder.

1.       Lack of empathy. Your partner may have difficulty putting him or herself in someone else’s shoes. This leads to callous and self absorbed acts.

2.      Lack of remorse or guilt. This can allow the individual to live with things that would disrupt ordinary people’s consciences. Your partner may be sorry about getting caught, but there is no true remorse for hurting others. If anything, your partner may express that he or she has the “right” to behave that way since the victim was “weak.” 

3.      Poor impulse and behavioral controls. This can lead to compulsive activities, like drug and alcohol abuse, or affairs.

4.      Tendency toward boredom and risk taking behaviors. Your partner may need stimulation and be unconcerned with taking risks, even if they cause harm to others.

5.      Consistent irresponsibility. Your partner may have difficulty holding down a steady job, paying bills on time, or honoring commitments, like marital.

6.      Grandiose sense of self worth. Your partner may exaggerate accomplishments, expect preferential treatment, crave admiration and praise, have a sense of entitlement, adopt a haughty or superior attitude toward others, and expect to associate with special people or institutions.

7.      Conning, manipulation, and compulsive lying. Your partner may lie about everything and anything, to further his or her agenda. 

8.      Idealized or extreme thinking. Your partner may fantasize about ideal power, beauty, and love. You may be idealized for a time, then completely devalued and treated as worthless.

9.      Failure to conform to social norms. Your partner may have the attitude that the rules or law and society do not apply to him or her. 

Affair Surviving and Answering The Number 1 Question – Why Did He Do It?

Learning of your husband’s infidelity and trying to survive the affair is devastating. Affair surviving brings feelings of rage, heartache, turmoil and mistrust and often manifests into physical ailments such headaches, panic attacks, bowel or stomach problems, or even severe depression. Dealing with all these feelings and physical ailments is difficult enough, but the one burning question you probably can’t get out of your mind is – why?

The natural process to affair surviving is to answer the burning question all women have upon finding out about an infidelity. Why did my husband cheat on me?

The answer to why anyone cheats always comes down to the same thing: The 3 emotions that cause infidelity.

Married couples or couples in long-term relationships end up betraying one another only when they have allowed anger, fear or loneliness to build up inside them. If your husband did not know how to deal with his negative emotions, his negative emotions got control of him. Anger, fear and loneliness motivate infidelity and all affairs are defined by the emotions that proceeded them.

Do you ever wonder why we humans have emotions? It’s not just to add some excitement to an otherwise boring life. Emotions motivate us to engage in certain behaviours. We humans always gravitate to behaviours we think will make us feel good. Emotions motivate us to act in ways which make good feelings and their causes continue, or make bad feelings and their causes go away.

So if our emotions are our motivators and a natural healthy part of us, why do they cause us so much pain?

If your husband didn’t deal with or ignored his negative emotions, unhealthy choices were made. If you don’t listen to the messages of your negative emotions all sorts of issues turn worse and more complex and negative feelings grow in intensity. Affair surviving is a perfect example of this. You are reading this very article to help you understand and put the reason for the affair in perspective. You are trying to sort through your negative feelings.

When we don’t allow our negative emotions healthy expression, they manifest in unhealthy ways. This can reflect in our physical health, our mental health or how we treat others. Many times it can affect all three.

When anger, fear and loneliness build up within a relationship, this can cause a breeding ground for infidelity. When these 3 emotions grow and fester and are not expressed with a significant other, they will likely motivate a partner to be unfaithful.

Lets be clear. There is nothing unusual or unhealthy about experiencing anger fear and loneliness at different times within a long-term relationship. Affair surviving causes you to experience all three. It’s very normal for both partners to have these feelings. The problem arises when you or your partner ignores these feelings and doesn’t do anything about the problem that is causing these emotions. Then the feelings get stronger and the underlying problem gets worse with time.

So why did he cheat?

When you break it down to the basics, having an affair is an attempt to find a way to hide or mask painful feelings. On a deeper level, one of the 3 emotions, anger, fear or loneliness was left unchecked and in order to escape his negative feelings he found consolation outside your relationship. Negative emotions always lay the foundation for a betrayal or other marital problems.

Remember, it’s not your fault and you are not to blame, regardless of how bad your relationship has been, or was prior to the affair. Many women, when dealing with affair surviving emotions, start blaming themselves and wondering where they went wrong and what they could have done differently.

Don’t let your anger, fear and loneliness lead you down a destructive path.

Seek counsel or utilize the many online resources available to help you through this difficult time. Understanding why your husband betrayed you certainly doesn’t make the hurt go away, but may inspire you to re-evaluate your marriage and your methods of communicating and sharing with each other.

When affair surviving, give yourself the time and resources to help heal yourself. Often times, out of heartache comes a new beginning for a stronger more loving relationship.